|...:::the Princess has spoken:::...|
|...wit and wisdom... from a princess with pizazz...|
the Princess is feeling:
Friday, March 25, 2016will this even publish anymore?
spoken by laprincessa at 11:22 PM
Tuesday, July 13, 2004This has changed a lot since the last time I was here. Hmmmmmm. Nope, not comin back, not for good anyway. Just wanted to check this out.
spoken by laprincessa at 4:56 PM
Sunday, August 31, 2003Boy, I haven't posted here in ages. Things are so up and down in my life - it's amazing to me, I've tried to live my life without hurting anyone, I've tried to treat people as I want them to treat me, I've tried to be honest and upright. And still there are people who hate that I breathe. I don't understand them, and I've given up trying to. I refuse to give them the power to hurt me anymore.
spoken by laprincessa at 2:53 PM
Friday, January 17, 2003~~~~~~~reopening for a brief appearance~~~~~~~~~~~~~
still alive, still kickin, still doin my thing
just so my faithful readers don't think i've disappeared completely ~ I'm still standin
spoken by laprincessa at 11:35 AM
Thursday, December 12, 2002~~~closing down for the holidays~~~
and who knows how long the holidays may last?
spoken by laprincessa at 12:09 AM
Tuesday, November 26, 2002I have become a blog slacker. I feel quite bad about it, but half of the stuff going on in my life is definitely not for public consumption ~ no one would believe it anyway. Screaming matches with evil step sisters, one of whom demands a meeting to talk about "things" and when I ask what those things might be, she replies "JUST THINGS!" in an extremely snotty tone. Well, forgive the crap out of me for asking. Geez. And then I'm not supposed to think they're ganging up on me? When they all know what these THINGS are but I can't be told?
On a lighter note. I went to see not one, but two plays the other night. A high school Shakespeare festival was going on, so we got tickets to Julius Caesar, which I had never seen, and to As You Like It, which I had never read or seen. We sat nearly on the stage, it was wonderful, the kids did a great job and we had a wonderful time. Got home at about 11:30 and started downloading music for a CD, groups I'd never heard of with very odd names, but my great-niece was quite happy about it. We slept downstairs, she still can't bring herself to go up and I didn't want to leave her downstairs alone. I ended up on the floor, I couldn't sleep well in the recliner, I think I just spent too many nights there and the memories are too fresh. Otherwise, it was a really nice visit, we looked at old pictures and giggled and had a few tears and a lot of laughs.
The next day was horrid. My eldest sister is tossing up roadblocks and demanding that things be done her way and refusing to tell me what she's so upset about and then she had the nerve to tell me she was worried about me. Hunh? She hasn't done anything but express her disapproval since I was a teenager and I'm supposed to believe in this sudden concern? I think not. Well, at least the police didn't have to be called ~ yet.
Tonight was my last class for the semester. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I am done till January 13, when the stress will begin anew. i'm going to be catching up on my recreational reading and sorting out the house. So much to be done and so much trouble. But I reminded myself tonight ~ I am my mother's daughter, far more than my sisters know. And I will be fine.
Greggie, thank you for the poems. I know you didn't write them just for me, but they were exactly what I needed and I can't describe how much they meant to me. You know that I'm not a big fan of poetry ~ so when I say that these are truly beautiful, trust me, they are worth reading. Go, read them, love them, and tell the author how much you appreciate that he wrote them. The princess so orders. :-)
spoken by laprincessa at 12:07 AM
Thursday, November 21, 2002I have been given some extremely bad advice, some very good advice and some very hilarious advice in the past couple of days. It's amazing how many people know the law ~ who really know nothing at all. The good advice has come from someone I trust, the bad advice has come from the wicked stepsisters and the hilarious advice came from a good friend. Someone who has known me for a very long time, and knows how much I really hate confrontation and how easily I give in when someone expresses displeasure with me advised me to "find my inner bitch." While this may not be the best way to handle things, it has certainly made me laugh and given me the courage to stand up to them.
Along with a lot of pep talks from my bear. :-)
It's been a quiet night at work. The problem with this is that in an effort to avoid doing my tax homework I have been playing online and eating chocolates. My boss is so good to me, he keeps his desk filled with totally delicious chocolates ~ and I have no will power to resist right now. I shall have to ask for a raise so I can buy clothes that fit soon. Nah, the Princess will never again be a chubby cubbie. ;-) Been there, done that, have no need to go back.
I got registered, finally, for next semester. I think I've lost my mind, I'm taking 2 courses, one grad and one undergrad. Tuesday and Wednesday nights. I'm gonna be so stressed. Ah, hell, it can't be worse than this nonsense.
spoken by laprincessa at 8:43 PM
Wednesday, November 20, 2002I am cranky. After telling the stalker student that his constant praise made me very uncomfortable, and being quite nice about it, I might add, not only did he get defensive and make me MORE uncomfortable, the dumb richard emailed me tonight. I do not need this at all.
Then I decided to check the cute little counter thingie and see who's been reading this. Daily it seems someone hits me through my aol profile page. Daily. The same person. You would think by now they would have figured out that they could just click the little heart thingie and save it to favorites and do it in one step, now wouldn't you? Why does this annoy me, you ask? Stupidity always makes me cranky. And I did mention that I was cranky, didn't I?
So how do I handle the stalker? And what new piece of hell will I be faced with tomorrow? I was thinking about Christmas tonight. There's something I really am not ready to face. Maybe I can just take a nap that day.
spoken by laprincessa at 1:15 AM
Tuesday, November 19, 2002I'm hiding from a student. Not the stalker, another one. I know it's my job to help these poor souls but oh, my, this one isn't just stupid, he's lazy. And that's a combination I just don't have the patience to deal with today. He will sit in his chair and say to me, "how do I do this?" while holding up a piece of paper which I am somehow expected to read from across the table. He won't hand it to me, he won't get up and come to me. Last week I said to him, "you are quite mistaken if you think I'm coming over to you ~ if you want help, you can get out of that chair and bring your problem here." He sighed as if I had asked him to give up his first-born child (actually if he had a child, he would probably have forgotten about it by now), and hauled all of his bulk out of the chair and slowly made it around the table to me. Now his trick is to stand beside me until I look up, no matter what I'm doing or how many students are here at the same time. I am quite tired of him. So I'm hiding, because if he can't find me, he will actually have to do the homework himself ~ unless he can con some other poor sap into doing it for him.
I'm frozen. It is so cold here that I was wearing my coat ~ and this is inside the building, mind you ~ a while ago. I've got coffee now and it's helping but there's really no excuse to still have the A/C on in November. Good Lord, what are they thinking?
Last night I finished Blackbird by Jennifer Lauck. What a powerful story. It made me cry ~ just what I need, an excuse to cry. :-) Now I'm back into White Oleander. I have a chapter to read in my tax text, half of the novel that was assigned for class, a take-home test based on the novel and a homework problem to do ~ all due on Monday. But then I'm done with this class and I get a break till January. That will be a relief in some ways. The next classes look much tougher than this one, but that could be a good thing, it will keep my mind occupied.
WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, I outlasted him, and HE LEFT! Yay! hehehehehe, now I can come out of hiding. ;-) God, I love my job.
spoken by laprincessa at 3:13 PM
I woke up this morning to snow. Lots of snow. White and clean and all over the place. And melting. Perfect. I went out and shoveled off the walk from the sidewalk to my porch, then did the sidewalk to my neighbor's house and then went up her walk to her porch. I was all sorta cold and got snow ploppin on my head from the branches and it was fun ~ as silly as that sounds. I needed some silliness ~ it was a day of up and downness. I asked a friend for a favor ~ very reluctantly. I'm not used to anyone being willing to do anything at all and so I've grown accustomed to doing everything myself. But this was something that I was urged to do, for reasons of safety and convenience. So I asked, and when the answer was an immediate yes, I started to cry. I had forgotten that there were people in this world who would do for others, who didn't expect to be paid, who didn't think only of themselves.
Sunday, November 17, 2002Bleah. That's all I can say about this weather. Bleah. Today I slept till nearly noon. And it felt great. I had a couple of major weeps while trying to figure out what I should do with all the stuff in this house, and then decided to just say screw it, and call a friend. Which got me an invitation to dinner, and off I went. Two nights in a row, I love not cooking. ;-) I got leftovers enough from dinner last night and dinner tonight that I shouldn't have to cook for a week. Now if I could just get someone to do laundry for me, and pack stuff, and label stuff ~ nah, I can do it all by myself.
I packed up the contents of a bookcase today. That sounds like more than it really was, it's a small bookcase. Not too many books on it, mostly games and some knicknacks. We got a lot of those. Thankfully, these weren't mine, so I felt justified in leaving them where I found them and not dusting them either. If they were mine, I would have wrapped them up and packed them away to keep them out of the hands of the evil step-sisters. And I finished my reading for tax class. What an exciting life I have. Only two more weeks of class and then I have nearly 6 weeks off till next semester starts. Wow. I am grateful that this semester was easy, because I don't think next will be. Or the one after that, or the one after that. Only 4 more and I'm done. I can't wait.
spoken by laprincessa at 9:56 PM
Saturday, November 16, 2002Last night I went to bed at 8:00. I haven't done that in a very long time, but the Princess was totally exhausted and drained by the nonsense of the past week. The garbage has begun to hit, they want their bits and pieces and they want them NOW. Well, tough. They don't get anything till I say so. And the more they annoy and aggravate me, the longer it will take me to do anything at all. The Princess is just a tad ticked off.
And I hurt. My sisters are showing how they really feel about me and although I've always known their disdain, it still hurts. I wonder what I've done ~ and why it is that people always think the worst of me.
Today I came to work in snow. To quote my friend Deb, sorta "instant idiots ~ just add snow." The roads were nothing more than wet, but slowing down was the reasonable response when it was snowing hard enough to screw up visibility. But nooooooooooooo, we have to get to Wal-mart in time to be the first person in the door. I'm supposed to go to dinner tonight with a friend, but the chances are great that she'll wimp out on me. And that will mean left-over sketties for moi.
Yesterday I went to the liquor store and got boxes. And while I was there, I indulged in a bottle of coconut rum, having it on good authority that it's quite tasty. I think tonight, I just might test out that theory. If not tonight, definitely tomorrow, while sorting my stuff out and packing up treasures, I can be sipping rum and singing "day-o," at the top of my lungs, off-key. I think a movie should be made of that. :-)
Thank you, my bear.
spoken by laprincessa at 11:22 AM
Tuesday, November 12, 2002It's been dark, dreary and cold here all day. Sorta matches my mood. It's not been a good day today, little things have set me off all day and I'm tired and feeling cranky. One of my students has started to frighten me. He's made some strange comments that made me think he might be stalking me, but is he or am I just being paranoid? I don't know. I asked security to walk me to my car tonight, something I've never done before. I've always been fairly fearless. I hate being frightened and I hate that someone can control my life to the point where I feel I can't walk to my car without protection. I've alerted all the proper people ~ and now I feel frightened that he may read this and get angry. This is so not what I need right now.
Tomorrow I think I'll sleep till noon. I have a sink full of dishes to wash and a washer full of clothes ~ and a ton of papers to go through. And try as I may, I cannot seem to be able to copy pictures to a CD ~ so what is the point of having the bloody CD burner? I know, Greg, for music. ;-) But right now, I want to copy pictures. Maybe when I'm not so stressed, I'll have the patience to figure it out.
I was totally organized for the first time in my college career, I got myself all advised ( 8 classes to go, and I'm done), went online to register so I wouldn't get shut out of anything I need, and get the message that says I can't register til Nov 21. How much would any wager I'll forget to do it by then? If all goes as planned, I will graduate with a masters degree in May of 2004. I don't know how long it will take me before I get antsy and need to take a course or two ~ I have been going to college for so long that it won't seem natural to not have homework, not have classes to go to. I think maybe I should get a PhD. ;-)
I made plans tonight to go out to dinner on Saturday with an old friend. It will be bittersweet, we're going to one of Mother's favorite restaurants and I'm sure there will be tears from both of us. This sadness will pass in time, I know that. Today it's bad but tomorrow will be better. I'll be okay.
spoken by laprincessa at 11:47 PM
Sunday, November 10, 2002It's been an up and down day. I got a lot of stuff done, in spite of sleeping till 10:30. I've been sleeping better, and sleeping later. Last night I really wanted to curl up on the couch, sometimes the thought of going upstairs and sleeping in my bed like everything is the way it's always been, is just too much for me. But I forced myself to go, and slept fairly well for my effort. It's still very strange to go down the hall to the bathroom and see my mother's room empty. I think it will always be strange.
Today I cleaned out a couple of drawers. I found Valentines that were sent to my sisters when they were in grade school, letters that were sent to me and my sisters by my father when he went on a trip when I was 3, some bits of costume jewelry that I prompty put on, and a scarf that I wrapped around my neck, and a goofy hat that my mom wore to hang out laundry. She would have laughed to see me. One time she found a box that had several hats from several years ago. We modeled them for my father. I especially liked the black one with the net that hung half way over her face. I found that box again this morning, and I had to giggle thinking about my father's face when the two of paraded onto the porch to show him our finery. The only thing fine was the hat, I was in jeans and she was in a worn dress that she cleaned in. I'm still having moments when tears take over and I have to sit down and stop doing anything but crying for a while. But moments of smiling at memories are starting to come more often. I expect that this time of somewhat peace won't last, people will soon start clamoring for bits and pieces of stuff that they feel entitled to because they were born into this family. And then the true test of my strength will come.
But I am my mother's daughter. And I will be fine.
spoken by laprincessa at 5:14 PM
Tuesday, November 05, 2002Oh, it's very strange to be me these days. I swear the lawyer was flirting with me today.
I am tired. I cleaned off the buffet ~ a really beautiful piece of furniture that has been sadly neglected the last few years. Of course, this meant that I reloaded the dining room table ~ and then had to unload it again. And I swear, there must be a pencil shortage in upstate New York, because we have all the available pencils here, just sitting on my buffet, waiting for someone to claim them. I think it was the home of the lost and abandoned pencils. I've placed them all in a single container and now they're happily playing together, and I'll probably find that they've reproduced tomorrow.
I also found a letter my father wrote to me when I was 3. That caused me to dissolve into tears for quite some time. Then I found my sister's cradle roll certificate, and the baby book my mom had for her, and that caused even more tears. But I'll be okay. I'm really glad I have this stuff, I know it's triggering storms of grief right now, but still, the memories are precious.
Things change and stay the same. I need to register for classes and I'm not sure what to take. The only thing different is that I'm doing this before the last day to register. I learned my lesson last semester, waiting is what put me into this tax class ~ it was the only thing open.
I used to love Fall. I loved raking leaves and burning them (before it was bad for the environment, back when many things were more innocent than they are now). Today I raked my front lawn for the 3rd time this year. I wanted to piss and moan about how much my back hurt, my hands were blistered, I was cold, and it was a pain. But somehow, that little girl inside me wouldn't let me do it. It was still fun and I think I just might do the back yard this weekend. Phooey on those who want to moan about Fall. It's the best time of the year, next to Spring. Sadness is in the air, yes, but that doesn't mean I can't enjoy the sound of leaves as I sweep them together with a swish of the rake, or the smell of the air as it turns crisp and cool. I don't like winter, only because I drive so much and snow does slow me down a bit ~ and ice slows me down a lot. But I like being out there in the snow and playing and getting all wet and cold and coming inside to hot chocolate and warm cuddles. I think I'm gonna be okay.
spoken by laprincessa at 12:59 AM
Friday, November 01, 2002I had quite the day today. I slept till 10:30, got up and cleaned out a dresser. I had to switch summer and winter clothes and in the process, I cleaned out the dresser. Now, where do I put the stuff I took out? Hmmm, I think the princess needs some empty boxes to label "curtains" and "blankets." I dashed into town and got my hair trimmed, something it's been needing for quite some time. Then I went to the bank, got gas in my car and went to the grocery store. I used to buy the food for me and my mom and I would come home with like 7 or 8 bags of stuff. Now, my mom wasn't really a big eater, but now I find that I'm coming home with 2 or 3 bags at the most. I guess the old dear was eating more than I knew. :-)
Then I cleaned off the dining room table. I really didn't want to do this, but I can't do my homework anywhere else. I tried sitting in my chair in the living room but I just couldn't concentrate so I just went out and did it and sat down and read my book and it actually made sense for once. Then I went to my neighbor's house for dinner ~ salmon, mmmmmmmmm. Got home at 9:00 and played with my new computer toys ~ someone bought me a scanner so I can copy the pictures and clippings I'm finding. What a wonderful thing.
After nearly drowning in grief ~ and I don't think the hole in my heart will ever completely heal ~ I've realized that I have to go on with my life. My mother would call me a jackass if she was here. (I don't think calling people jackasses is allowed in Heaven, but if it is, she's calling me one now.) I'm trying to get back to a normal routine. I expect that there will be more melt-downs, I miss her more than anyone really knows, but I'm gonna try to be okay. I have to be. I am my mother's daughter.
spoken by laprincessa at 10:24 PM
Tuesday, October 29, 2002Once again I didn't get enough sleep. This is something that surprises me ~ for months I've had no time to take a breath, between running to work, school, hospital, nursing home and keeping the house from totally going to heck. I thought that if things ever settled down, I would be able to get some rest. Now I don't have to run, and I can't sleep.
Tonight I found my mother's old date book. She kept everything in this book, she recorded births and deaths and marriages and other bits of news that struck her as interesting. I care little for most of the stuff in this house ~ it's only stuff for the most part. But this book is something I will fight for. I read some of the entries and cried ~ she would never let us actually read it, she would look things up in it and sometimes she would pull things out of it for our amusement or to enlighten us about the war (there was only one that deserved the name for my mother ~ the Big One, WWII) or the Depression. I held it in my hands, and sat on the floor and read and cried.
I've been looking at pictures. From the time that I was a tiny little princess who could barely hold my head up enough to wear a tiara ~ Christmas pictures with all my sisters, more tears, more laughter. I thank God ~ and Mother ~ that she kept all this stuff. It hurts to look at it right now, but I am so glad we have it all. I found a picture of my favorite aunt (Greggie ~ remind me sometime to tell you about my aunt Lena, somehow I think you would have adored her) and felt again the joy of being the favorite niece of a woman who had so many ~ and yet always made me feel special. Pictures of my sister who passed over 10 years ago ~ smiling and cuddling a tiny little me. (I was adorable, of course) Pictures are wonderful ~ and let me remind you all ~ label them now. I don't recognize some of the faces and I hope my older sisters will.
The Princess is still hurting and I expect I will be for some time. But I'll be okay. I have to be.
spoken by laprincessa at 11:39 PM
Friday, October 25, 2002I am extremely tired and should probably go to bed, but I haven't been sleeping very well.
Today I went to the dollar store and bought a new mop. I was very pleased with this purchase. It will probably last through maybe 3 floor washings, but for a dollar, I can't expect more. I was very good in that store, I bought nothing that I didn't need. Then I went to Wal-mart and bought nothing there because the lines were just horrible and several of the clerks were standing around talking. I totally do not like Wal-mart but I'm forced to shop there because there isn't anywhere else to go. Then I bought groceries. I haven't figured out how to cook or shop for one. I bought way more of everything than I need. The grocery store was a very difficult place for me to be today. I don't know why it hurt so much to be there, I only know that it did. While I was in line, I saw someone that my mother loved to gossip about and I thought, "oh, when I get home, I'll have to tell Mother I saw him," and then I stopped breathing for a moment while I realized that I couldn't do that, that she wouldn't be here when I got home and I could never again share the little bits of news I would gather for her every day.
I know the day will come when this will not hurt so much, when there will be a dull ache in my heart to replace the sharp pain I feel right now. I will survive. I am my mother's daughter.
spoken by laprincessa at 10:08 PM
Wednesday, October 23, 2002I was alone at work for way too long ~ just me and the Hershey Miniatures. There they were, tempting me, calling to me from that desk drawer, hidden inside where only I could get them. Did I resist temptation? Heck, no. Chocolate is comfort food. I indulged.
What I really want is meatloaf. I don't even like meatloaf. I don't know how to make it. I want my mom's meatloaf, I want to tell her it's not bad and go back for seconds just so I could hear her say "i thought you didn't LIKE meatloaf?" and hear her laugh at me.
Someone told me today that I seemed to be handling this well. Oh sure I am. I believe in crying in private, keeping the worst to myself, laughing where others can see. My mother frequently said she was a clown, and so was I. Clowns don't cry in public. Nor do princesses. It just isn't done.
spoken by laprincessa at 12:38 AM
Monday, October 21, 2002Last night I found my report cards from 1st and 2nd grades, and from 6th and 7th grades. The others are here somewhere, I'm sure, I just haven't come across them yet. I giggled when I read them. The teachers adored me, but all had the same comment ~ she shows a tendency to gab too much, and giggles a great deal. According to someone who knows me well, nothing has changed. : )
My mother was quite the talker. I learned early to talk loud and fast or I would never get in a word. One of the curses of a large family is that you sometimes get lost in the crowd ~ and one of the benefits of being one of the youngest is that everyone, all 150 cousins (and those are 1st cousins, by the way) rally around to take care of the princess.
I found it truly amusing that my grades in music were always A's ~ and I seriously cannot carry a tune. I think they mistook me for someone else. ~~giggles~~
Today I sorted papers, and talked to my eldest sister for quite a long time. That was very nice, we haven't been close in years but she seems to be standing beside me now, and protecting me from some of the pain. Perhaps she, too, is my mother's daughter.
spoken by laprincessa at 3:41 PM
Friday, October 18, 2002It's difficult to believe that a week has passed. Things are beginning to settle down ~ the out-of-town relatives have all gone home and I've gone back to work, because it's better to be around people than to be alone and grieving. There is a great deal to be done and yet it's very hard to focus ~ I have to make lists of everything and then I forget where I put the list. Time will heal, I know that, but right now the best I can do is put one foot in front of the other and get through one day at a time.
Thank you, all of my friends ~ those I know and those I didn't ~ for the kind words and the prayers and the support over the past few months. It's been very difficult, as you well know, and I've lost every ounce of grace I ever possessed on more than one occasion. There have been a few who have held me up and kept me sane and you know who you are ~ Pero, who was always ready to listen; Deb, who is always willing to lend support; Greg, who can make me laugh and make me think and make me mad all in the space in 5 minutes.
And the one who has been my strength for the past week, there are no words that can express how grateful I am to you.
There is a hole in my heart and a empty space in my life. Who now will understand the joy of buying 5 skeins of yarn that I absolutely do not need but have to have? Who will laugh at me for bringing home yards of fabric that will make the perfect quilt ~ some day? Who will tell me all the history of every person who lives in this small town? I miss my mother. I don't think there will ever be a day that I don't. I drove to the store today to pick up a contact lens to replace one I ripped and I talked to her all the way down the road. I told her about my nephew and his extremely loose tooth, and about the cool hand lotion I bought at Bath and Body the other day, and all about my godchild, who spent the night with me and talked me into buying a mood ring ~ which would have amused my mother no end. I've spent most of my life telling her about the details of my days, how do I stop now?
I am my mother's daughter. I will survive.
spoken by laprincessa at 10:17 PM
Saturday, October 12, 2002The kingdom is in mourning tonight, for the Queen has gone home to Heaven.
Mother passed away yesterday morning, in her sleep, peacefully
My only prayer is that she is, at last, with my father, whom she missed so greatly these past few years.
spoken by laprincessa at 7:35 PM
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